Bullshit! Morality Police 1, Pauly 0

Check out this load of crap of an email I got. I got busted my the fuckin' morality police. Too bad Poker Stars won't tell me the name of the gutless fink of a morality freak that complained about me. It's OK though. Thanks to Poker Tracker I've sifted through the hand histories. Based on the time of the infraction, I can narrow down the suspects to a few players. Since I was also playing with bloggers last night around Midnight (Heather, Change100, Byron, and Jaxia), the field of culprits gets even smaller. I have my eye on four people in particular. It has to be one of you four, unless Stars is lying to me and no one complained.

Hello DrPauly,

We have received a complaint regarding some things you said in chat
at our tables. I have reviewed the chat log and did find some of your
comments to be inappropriate.

Our goal at PokerStars is to be a fun place to play, where everyone
can feel comfortable. Foul language and abuse of other players takes
away from everyone's enjoyment, and therefore cannot be permitted.

We must ask you to refrain from using this type of language in the
future, or we will be forced to remove your chat privileges.

Please note that you may not be the only one receiving a message such
as this. When we receive a chat complaint, we review the entire chat
of all players at the table. Any other offenders at the table were
also warned or revoked as appropriate to our policies.


Regards,

PokerStars Support Team

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DrPauly: fuuck 5 12/29/2005 9:52:59 PM
DrPauly: id blow him 5 12/29/2005 11:56:41 PM
DrPauly: im a whore 5 12/29/2005 11:59:33 PM
DrPauly: whoore 5 12/29/2005 11:59:36 PM
DrPauly: i can say asscock but not whore 5 12/29/2005 11:59:44 PM

It shocks me that some gutless loser would rat me out for using the word "asscock." Personally, I find that those junk-kicking river suckouts to be far more offensive than anything I can muster up in the chat.

I'm pretty pissed off about all of this. I have fans, readers, and friends coming up to me all the time when I'm at the tables (even when I'm hiding myself... they still find me) and I take the time to talk to them in the chat even if I'm multi-tabling and in the middle of a hand. Poker Stars doesn't pay me to do that, but I do take time out to chat and answer questions because it's the right thing to do. Then I made a few inside jokes with my friends and I get flagged by some assclown who has nothing else better to do than write emails to Poker Stars support. None of the comments were ever directed at anyone except myself. It was a victimless crime.

"I am writing to you to complain about one of your players. DrPauly is evil because he uses profanity in the chat. I suspect that he also sleeps with lesbians and has unprotected sex. He also uses psychotropic drugs and other illgeal narcotics while he plays. He is the devil hiding behind his internet celebritiness. We must cleanse God's kingdom of evil doers like DrPauly. By the way, I have a small penis and live in my mother's basement in a red state."

What kind of fuckin' cocksuckin' cuntass mother of a cheese eating surrender monkey goddamed world do we live in when someone's job out there is to cut and paste how many times I used the word "assscock" in a chat over five hours?? I logged into Poker Stars for well over 20 hours this past week and that's the worst that they could find. They don't bust the idiot who constantly comes to my table groveling for money but the one friggin' time that I say I want to suck Russell Crowe's dick I get in trouble.

Satire. Sarcasm. Comedy. Tao.

We live in America, don't we? When I finally discover who the fucktard was that ratted me out, I'm gonna transfer him $250 so he/she can go out and buy a fuckin' clue.

Editor's Note: For the record, I am not upset with Poker Stars, although I must say this email disappointed me. I understand that they have rules in place and must follow protocol. What I am pissed off at is some asshole out there has too much free time on their hands and attempted to get me in trouble when they simply could have asked me to stop using offensive language in the chat. That passive-aggressive behavior is what set me off into this rant.

P.S. I love the hypocrisy of all of this. I can bend the legality of online gaming laws in my state and my country and depending on who you are talking to... I'm breaking the law. I willingly know what I am doing may or may not be illegal, yet I spend my money on an offshore poker site anyway. They welcome all of us outlaws as long as you don't say asscock, cunt, shit, fuck, bitch, whore, dick, pussy, vagina, fudgepacker, shitstain, fucktard, penisbreath, cumslinger, cockchugger, or donkeyfucker.