Umm, I'm Not Dead... Yet

"The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated." - Mark Twain

Alas, the Tao of Poker is still here (for the moment). I can't even have one good old fashioned bender overseas without the blogging world freaking out about the Tao of Poker's 24 hour vanishing act. Here are the rumors that I heard in the last few hours...

1. Pauly sold the Tao of Poker for $100,000 to Tony G.
2. Pauly was detained at Newark Airport by Homeland Security and they erased his blog.
3. Pauly is shilling for Absolute Poker.
4. Tao of Poker was hacked by a 15 year old Swedish kid and Pauly flew to Stockholm with Derek and The Rooster to "take care of business."
5. Pauly got sick of writing about poker and finally pulled the plug.

Of course, none of the above statements are true (with the exception of the first part of #5). Just rumors set forth by bored bloggers. I'm flattered that all my friends, fellow bloggers, and readers were concerned about the twenty-four hour disappearance of the Tao of Poker from cyberspace.

Even the horndogs at Wicked Chops Poker devoted two posts to this latest drama. Two posts in one day and I don't even have a nice rack like Haley Keezel! That's why "I love Wicked Chops Poker."

And for the record, I'm not shilling for Absolute. They're currently on my shitlist after ignorning my emails and protecting the person(s) responsible for the outage. However, I'm still shilling BoDog, Full Tilt, and Poker Stars. Feel free to download any of their software.


Editor's Mote:Thanks to the folks at Blogger for helping me out to restore my blog to the original settings. After emailing them 24 hours ago, Absolute Poker has not contacted me yet and has not answered any of my emails. Also, they have not issued a formal apology or explanation. Also, tthey are still allowing their affiliate who hijacked my site to conduct business.

Umma Gumma

The heads up Chinese Poker match against Change100 continued with six tough sessions since my last post. I'm currently up 21 points after enduring a rollercoaster ride the last 48 hours. My lead climbed to 25 before she mounted a comeback and knocked it down to 15. Then it got ugly and I sent her on megatilt. It go so bad that during a fit of ire she slammed her fist on the tables and freaked out the Fanta drinking and Umma Gumma toking bohemians sitting nearby. She was so pissed off that she didn't talk to me for an hour and we halted play for over 24 hours before her tilt subsided and we were ready to return to action.

We've been playing in coffee shops around Amsterdam during random times like 1pm at the Bull Dog in Leidseplein or in the back Pink Floyd's at 8:20pm or upstairs in La Canna at 5:15pm. We'd squeeze in an hour of playing after dinner or before we went to a museum.

Some of the hands were juiced like Change100's six pair for an auto scoop. I scooped the last hand that session to break a tie. Later that afternoon, we sat through an hour of horrendous migraine inducing Eurotrash techno pop at La Canna that would make Dieter's (from Sprockets) nipples stand erect as three wasted girls from Spain wearing tight jeans with big white belts at the table next to us couldn't stop screaming. I couldn't tell if it was the Himalayan hash or the music that whipped them into a trance-like frenzy. The voguish club tunes didn't faze Change100, who rallied late to tie after she scooped with a Hammer boat and 7-7-7-2-2, 8-8-6-6-4, K-K-10.

I managed to pull a straight flush out of my ass in one session and then cracked Change100's quads with my quads. I didn't win the hand, but I prevented her from scooping with 9-9-9-9-2, A-2-3-4-5, K-K-8 against my Q-Q-Q-Q-6, J-J-T-T-8, 7-7-2. That hand sent her tilting down Tiltdown Street for a few minutes. I ended up having a horrible session even though I pulled another straight flush out of my ass when she had another 6 pair.

In our last match, Change100 started out by scooping two out of the first three hands and took a 8-1 lead. I fought back and lost 16-12 and still hold a 21 overall margin.


I played a few hit and run sessions of online poker at the 5/10 tables on Full Tilt. I'm still trying to clear my reload bonus. I flopped sets on consecutive hands, but only won tiny pots. I've been playing poker and switching back and forth the TV between a Dutch reality show (sort of The Real World meets Masterpiece Theatre) and CNN (keeping an eye on the elections... seems like the Democrats are back in power for the first time since 1994 when Slick Willy was busy getting hummers from interns in the Oval Office and I was wandering around the South following the Grateful Dead).

I've also posted several random photos of Amsterdam over at the Tao of Pauly if you like those sorts of things.

Election Day

I already voted a few weeks ago when I mailed my absentee ballot. I hope everyone who reads this post votes today. To quote an old Poli Sci professor of mine, "Don't forget to vote early. And vote often."

Of course my favorite quote on elections and voting has to be from Stalin who scoffed at the notion of American democracy and may (or may not) have said, "Those who cast the votes decide nothing; those who count the votes decide everything."

Of course, I penned this post from my hotel room in a European country that does not outlaw two of my favorite activities.

Now go read Election Day Eve written by Mean Gene and check out what the Poker Prof has to say about Nevada Politics, especially regarding Question #7 on Nevada's ballot regarding Decriminalization and Regulation of Marijuana in the state of Nevada.

Chinese Poker at Pink Floyd's

Holland is a progressive country that decriminalized soft drugs like marijuana and hash and also legalized prostitution. Plus their government would never dare to tell their citizens that they could not play online poker. The government stays out of people's lives in Holland. Perhaps I should set up residence here?

I walked into the Pink Floyd Coffee Shop on Haarlemmerstraat Street in Amsterdam last night. I purchased the highly recommended "Mother's Finest" for 10 euros a gram when Change100 noticed a strain called "Hot Tits."

"I named that after my wife," the Dutch grower behind the counter said as he took out a huge knife and cut off a chunk of hashish for a German guy in front of us. "She hated that name. She's now my ex-wife. But my brothers-in-law still come in about once a week and laugh whenever they see it."

We sat down at a table in the back on the coffeeshop while the stereo blasted music that was not Pink Floyd. I heard The Killers hit Mr. Brightside before a block of Lenny Kravtiz songs came on. That's when Change100 and I began a series of heads up Chinese Poker matches. We were playing 10 euros a point and would keep a running tally for the remainder of the week. We played with used Paris Casino pit cards that I bought for $1 in Las Vegas.

After the first round of action, I opened up a 15 point lead over everyone's favorite Hollyweird blonde and tilted her so badly that we had to stop playing especially after this hand:

Pauly:Q-Q-Q-8-8; 2-2-2-T-T; K-9-7
Change100: Jd-9d-8d-6d-3d; A-2-3-4-5; K-8-5

It was losing the three card hand that put her over the edge after she got outkicked K-9 to K-8.

* * * * *
I forgot that I had a reload bonus to clear over at Full Tilt and fired it up at Newark Airport while I sat at my gate waiting to board my flight to Amsterdam. When I finally got into the hotel room at the Victoria Hotel, I tested out the wifi and ended up doing a hit and run session at the 5/10 tables.

Here's proof that the Partyfish have tainted the player pool at Full Tilt. I had K-K in the LB. Guy in EP raised, the Button called, and I three bet. Player in EP four bet the action to cap it. Button and I both called. Normally I'd put the raiser on AA, KK, QQ, or AK, but that time I was skeptical. The flop was 10-7-7. I checked to the raiser, who opened up the betting. The Button folded and I check-raised. He called. The turn was another 10. I bet out and my opponent called. The river was a 4. I bet and he called... with A-Q.

Way to four bet with A-Q in a three-way pot and then call me down all the way to the river with.... just ace high. Yes, that player was properly tagged as the Tao of Poker's Poissons du Jour or "Vissen van de Dag" as the locals say here in Holland.

Head over to the Tao of Pauly to read about more Amsterdam hijinks and view pictures like this...


For Daddy


For Ryan

2006 Vegoose



I'm almost finished with my Vegoose coverage after I caught 23 different bands and musical acts inside of three days with a crew that included myself, Friedman, JW, Change100, The Joker, and Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot. The highlights of the 2006 Vegoose music festival included Widespread Panic's epic three hour set, Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley, and Medeski Martin & Wood's set with the legendary Maceo Parker.

You can check out our hijinks over at Tao of Pauly and my music blog. Here are some quick links for you music fans out there:

Vegoose Day 1 Recap (Tao of Pauly)
Vegoose Day 2 Recap (Tao of Pauly)
2006 Vegoose Pics (Coventry: A Phish Blog)
UPS Guy Goes to Vegoose Part I (You Tube)

Yeah, my buddy The Joker dressed up like an UPS deliveryman and I filmed him handing out packages at the festival. Take a peek at our You Tube video.


I'm about to fly to Amsterdam for a week of nefarious misadventures where I'm going to discover how drunk I can get during an early morning tour of the Heineken Brewery. Head over to the Tao of Pauly for random pics and sordid stories.

But before I go, I have to link up this rumor... MGM Mirage to takeover Party Poker?

Brodie TV and the Tao of Pai Gow

On Tuesday afternoon, I wandered over to the aromatic urine-drenched downtown section of Las Vegas. Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot was playing in a big Keno tournament at the Four Queens and he invited me to tag along so I can see what life is like on the Keno tournament circuit. It's kind of like the WPT except the groupies are much older and have less teeth.

"At least my female fans can't get pregnant," assured Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot as he slid on his sunglasses. "They're all past menopause."

Change100 drove us downtown because she never been to Binion's Horseshoe before. I snapped the photo (to the right) before we popped in for a few minutes and stumbled upon a televised poker tournament.

The Ultimate Poker Challenge filmed one of their tournaments for the upcoming season and we checked out the action. Richard "The Quiet Lion" Brodie made the final table and I sweated him in the stands for a bit. He ended up in fifth place.

On Tuesday morning, I should not have been gambling after still being under the influence after a four day bender which included the Vegoose music festival, several late night concerts, and Widespread Panic's Halloween show at MGM. Yet, there I was sitting at a 2/4 Limit table at the Excalibur with my buddy The Joker. He talked me into playing and the only games they were spreading were micro limit. I was too wasted to care and I should have been sleeping instead of buying a rack of germ-riddled chips.

I donked off most of my chips playing like Scotty Nguyen after he drank a six pack of MGD and his happy pills kicked in. Then I got lucky and found 8c-7c in EP and flopped a gut shot straight flush draw and the Poker Gods threw me a bone when I got there on the river. I won the hand with a straight flush and got to spin the wheel. It landed on Yellow 20 and since the Excalibur was running a double wheel spin promotion, I won $40.

I had not spun the Wheel in months and tipped my dealer 25% of my wheel spin. She looked happy considering she was stuck dealing 2/4 at 11am on a weekday.

I won a big pot in a three way hand involving the Joker and a portly tourist who sat in the seat next to me that had bad dragon breath and a sweat stain over his belly button which was the size of a frisbee. I rivered the nut flush, but that same card put a potential full house out there. I got stuck in the middle of a raising war between The Joker and The Tourist with the Sweaty Belly Button. I wanted to muck before I realized that I was not playing 10/20 at the Mirage, so I raised back. I ended up with the best hand and I was up against an inferior straight and menial three of a kind.

On Tuesday night, we played Pai Gow with Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot. He was a newbie and picked up the game quickly after a short tutorial. Within an hour, he ran over the table. Change100 was getting cold decked and she angrily pounded her fist on the table when her flush lost to the dealer's flush by one card.

"Oh, she's a violent one!" the dealer said with a smile as he took her chips.

I spent a week in Las Vegas and barely gambled aside from a few sessions of poker and Pai Gow. My focus was on music this trip and despite my short gambling sessions, I left Sin City a winner as I stopped off in NYC for two days to do laundry and pack before I fly to Amsterdam.

By the way, I've come to the conclusion that Pai Gow is like Oxycontin... it's a sustainable high that lasts several hours. Except in Pai Gow, you get free drinks and you don't have to scratch your nose every twenty-seven seconds.

Oh, in case you were wondering, two of the best poker related costumes I saw all weekend were when one hippie guy went dressed as Chris "Jesus" Ferguson and another dude went as The Unabomber. I wanted to go as a WSOP internet qualifier and wear sunglasses and all Poker Stars gear with a piece of black tape over the .net part. Alas, I settled on wearing green scrubs and going as a Doctor.

Three Quickies: WPBT Holiday Classic III, For Peyton, and NaNo

I'm in the process of writing a review of the Vegoose music festival for a European music rag. I'll eventually post pics, videos, and stories over at the Tao of Pauly and my music blog. Stay tuned. For now, here are three quick subjects I need to talk to you about.


1. Stop by April's blog for more info on the WPBT Holiday Classic III scheduled for 12.8-12.11 in Las Vegas. With five or six weeks to go, April needs a better indication if she's planning an event for 30 or 100 people. Me too, since I'm going to plan the after-party. Let her know ASAP if you want to attend.


2. Good luck to NaNoWriMo participants. A few of you asked for my advice, so here it is... You are going to need all the luck in the world. NaNo ain't easy. I've written four NaNo novels since 2002 including Jack Tripper Stole My Dog. Most of the people who start NaNo are going to fall short of the 50,000 word mark. But that's not the point of the exercise. You can't write a decent novel in 30 days. I know firsthand... I wrote four shitty ones. The real reason you are doing NaNo is to get into a consistent pattern of writing everyday at a specific time... so when NaNo is over, you continue your daily writing regimen. Your sacrifice and dedication will pay off in the long run. NaNo helped get me on track when I was stuck in a writing slump a few years ago. Here are two quick tips:

a. Blogging is a sprint. Novel writing is a marathon. Pace yourself and block out a few days off for Turkey Day.

b. Don't worry about what your friends are doing. That always fucks up your art. If you are doing this for a pissing contest or to get attention, then stop writing right now. Just focus on your own characters and plot and ignore the masses.

3. Bobby Bracelet has a few more For Peyton Items up for auction. If you have a blog, I encourage you to post the information below on your site. Poker blogs these days are filled with plenty of banner ads for shill sites, affiliate links, and pimpage of blogger tourneys... but very few bloggers have taken the time out to spread the word about For Peyton, which is sad. For Peyton is one of the best things the poker/blogging community has done over the last few years. So why have you been ingnoring this on your blogs?

Please stop by the ForPeyton site and check out some amazing auction items.

Poker Table signed by over 30 professional poker players

Greg "Fossilman" Raymer Package - includes autographed fossil & t-shirt and PokerStars tote

Autographed Mike "The Mouth" Matusow basketball jersey, XL

The Real Old Testament DVD

That's it for now. Oh, and I got a message from Grubby... he's in the process of switching servers. His site should be fine in a few days. He appreciates your concern.