Low Buy-In Online Tournament Mainfesto Version 1.0: Guest Post from Joe Speaker

Editor's Note: As you know, I'm off for the first two weeks of the year working on my Las Vegas book project. In the meantime, my friends will be taking over the Tao of Poker. Here's the fifth of a collection of guest posts from your favorite bloggers. JoeSpeaker is one of my favroite writers and the author of Obituarium. He can not only write, but he can play poker too. I'm grateful he decided to share some of his pearls of wisdom. Thanks again to JoeSpeaker!


Joe Speaker's Low Buy-In Online Tournament Mainfesto Version 1.0

"Talking nonsense is the sole privilege mankind possesses over the other organisms. It's by talking nonsense that one gets to the truth! I talk nonsense, therefore I'm human. Not one single truth has ever been arrived at without people first having talked a dozen reams of nonsense, even ten dozen reams of it, and that's an honourable thing in its own way...Talk nonsense to me, by all means, but do it with your own brain, and I shall love you for it. To talk nonsense in one's own way is almost better than to talk a truth that's someone else's; in the first instance, you behave like a human being, while in the second, you're nothing but a parrot!" -- Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

I am not as well read as my poker blogging brethren. In fact, I'm about to make a shocking confession right here and now. Though I play Multi-Table Tournaments almost exclusively online, I have never read The Bible: Super/System. I have it. I intend to read it. But I haven't yet.

I had a friend who was an amazing guitar player and he never took a lesson when he was learning how to play. When I asked him why, he said it was because he wanted to develop his own chops, didn't want to have the rote chord progressions pounded into his head. He wanted to find his own way, unrestrained by convention. It was only after he found his style that he turned to the seminal texts, and applied that knowledge to what he already believed to be his strengths.

I feel the same way about my tournament poker game. I have found a style that works and I stumbled across it based on my own experience. None of this is meant to discount the knowledge Doyle Brunson, Dan Harrington, et al have to share, for it is immensely helpful. But you can't fit a random individual's game into a box any more than there is a single stock answer for any poker question. As always, it depends.

In the last year, I've played probably 300 low buy-in ($20 or below) MTTs online (please note these tips apply only to freeze-out tournaments as re-buys are an entirely different animal that attract an entirely different species of poker player thanks to prize pools that regularly go north of $50K). I've found some chops that work for me. I've found what I consider to be essential truths for me to be successful. To be sure, none of this is new or groundbreaking. It is simply my nonsense. Perhaps somewhere in here, or beyond, is truth.


Hour One

1. Do not call raises with marginal hands. On the surface, this seems obvious. You don't want to get yourself into situations where you hit your hand but are second best. These are the types of players you want calling your raises and, believe me, they will, with hands like KT and QJ. Because the tourney fields regularly shed at least half the field in the first hour, it is important to double up. Sometimes, that very real motivation causes players to enter pots with less than stellar starting hands. Don't be that guy. The main reason is you will, an exceptionally high percentage of the time, get paid off when you DO have a monster hand. Which brings us to...

2. Leave your fancy ass plays at home. There is no need to be tricky. It is safe to assume the majority of your opponents are thinking at Level 1, if that. They know only what they have in their hand. If KQ calls your AA raise and flops a pair, they're going to war with it. TPTK is gold to these people. If Ax flops an ace, they're not concerned about their kicker. Pot bets, people. You must get paid off on your monsters. You must not slow-play them and let some backdoor draws hang in the pot. Shove in your chips, force your opponents to make mistakes.

3. Be willing to limp. In the beginning, I played raise or fold poker. I almost never limped. And I gave away chances to win big pots. If you're in position, with five limpers in front, and it's still in one of the early levels-where blinds are tiny compared to the stacks-take that flyer. You have to be disciplined enough not to chase a draw if you flop one and the price isn't right. You have to be willing to drop your limp if there is a raise behind you (unless it's a min. raise; then you KNOW everyone is paying the extra and your price is still right). Sometimes that flop just hits you upside the head and you can make a killing. A corollary to this is never fold your blinds to a min. raise, or, in some circumstances, a 3x raised family pot. You're never that much of a dog to the group. Now, you don't want to be playing every hand on an ultra-passive limping table, of which you'll find plenty. Chip conservation is still an issue. But if you take the opportunity to see some cheap flops with hands with potential-hands you wouldn't normally play to a raise, like JTs, baby pocket pairs, suited one-gappers--you just might find a flop to your liking, which you will, of course, bet as fast as you possibly can.

4. Pay attention. The early rounds of an MTT can be dull, especially if you're simply clicking fold over and over. There's no money at stake in the blinds and play is slow as people slough their way through. But that's no reason to take an eye off the screen and watch a ballgame. You need to spot the dead money so you can attack them later. You need to see who plays hands strangely and you need to see showdowns to get reads on players. You need to notice the tight guy over there who has folded his first 25 hands. Information is hard to come by in no limit where not a lot of hands get tabled, but you need to pick up every bit you can. Stay focused, take notes on players (as you will very likely see them again) and try to put people on hands when you're not in the pot.

5. When in doubt. There's this Cuban restaurant by my workplace. Good shit. My favorite dish is called Lechon Adobo, fried pork with citrus, onions and a metric ass-ton of garlic, with rice and black beans. Lechon Adobo is not the only reason I eat there often. There's also this counter girl. She can't possibly weigh more than 90 lbs. Just a wisp of a young lady with tired eyes and a ready smile. But the most easily recognizable thing about her is the enormous fake breasts bolted onto her chest. Each one is as big as her head. Besides being so disproportionate, the salt bags seem genuinely out of place on this girl. She's not some budding starlet or exotic entertainer. Not a Beverly Hills trophy wife or suburban cum dumpster. She's this little ethnic girl working in a little Cuban restaurant. With the hugest melons you've ever seen. Now, I don't understand any of this. I can't begin to get to the bottom of the back story, so I gave up trying.

Like our large-chested heroine, sometimes, in a poker tournament, I'll face a bet that makes absolutely no sense in the context of the hand. If I haven't committed myself to the hand and am not holding anything substantial, I just fold. I resist the urge to out-play the strange guy with the strange bet, cut my losses and preserve my stack for when I know where I stand. Harrington on Hold 'Em says, "Most bets mean exactly what they appear to mean," which is true in these MTTs, but if I can't figure out what the bet means, I cut and run. Call it Pussy Poker, and maybe it is, but I'd hate to stack off in the dark, hoping I have them beat, when I know there will be ample opportunity to shove in my chips when I KNOW I have them beat.


Hour Two

Like many aspects of poker, your play at this point will depend on many factors, perhaps the most important of which is your stack size. If you are short-stacked (say, less than the starting chip amount), you're pretty much resigned to a single play: Find a hand and push it. With a stack near or over par, your mission is equally clear...

1. Loosen up. The play will generally tighten up at this stage of the tournament and it is to your benefit to take advantage. For one, you need to accumulate chips in the second hour. Remaining static is not an option, as the blinds and antes will soon catch up with you. Second, those blinds and antes are becoming increasingly lucrative (antes in both the Stars and Full Tilt MTTs kick in at the 90-minute mark). Now that, theoretically, a bulk of the worst players have been eliminated, your table will become more cautious, giving you prime opportunities to pick up the blinds and antes with a ramped up aggression. I will almost always raise from late position if the action is folded to me. I will raise from less obvious "steal" positions with hands I'd normally toss in the first hour (Axs, medium suited connectors, two paint). It's time to take chances to get chips. You are not going to fold into the money.

2. Play the stacks. You must take notice of how the players handle their various-sized stacks. Are the small stacks pushing often? Or staying patient? Are the big stacks making a lot of calls of raises pre-flop? Or are they dictating the action with open-raises? In a perfect world, you will be able to isolate the smaller stacks with a big hand, since their range must widen or risk being blinded off. Pay particular attention to the three players to your left, those which will be in the blinds when you are on the button or in the cut off. Will they defend their blinds consistently? Will they fold to the slightest pressure? Generally, I will refrain from stealing off short stacks with air, as they are likely to come over the top with any naked ace, or even naked king. While this often gives you the correct price to call, you are now risking a not insubstantial portion of your stack when you are behind. On the other hand, do not be afraid to attack the big stacks, especially if you have a solid read on their play. A loose big stack, you will want to punish when you get a big hand, standard tight-aggressive play. A tight big stack, one that has worked hard for his chips and is loathe to risk them unless he's holding a monster, is ripe for the stealing and I will pound on him/her until they show an inclination to prevent it.

3. Don't Be a Pussy. By the end of the second hour, you are likely within sight of the bubble. Don't take the tack that cashing is your first priority. Going deep is your first priority. You are not going to get a solid return on investment from multi-table tournaments if you settle for minor awards. The big money is at the Final Table and a couple trips there can pay for months of bubble finishes. Yes, it can be frustrating to bubble, especially if you have a stack that was comfortably positioned near par. But that stack is going to get eaten up quickly while players accumulate around you. While protecting it may get you a small profit, you'll be at a disadvantage once you are in the money, as the large stacks will happily call your all-ins with garbage and suck out.


The Bubble

1. Keep Pounding. If you are fortunate enough to be one of those big stacks, you must keep pounding away. The play gets even tighter near the bubble, as the smaller stacks are doing exactly what I'm telling you not to do, trying to fold into the money or Waiting for Godot (in this case, a Group One hand). The tournaments I've Final Tabled (and won) have all shared a common characteristic: I chipped up greatly near the bubble. All of this goes back to The Theory of Poker: If the table's tight, loosen up; if it's loose, tighten up. You will notice we have followed that rule the whole way through. Don't forget it.

2. Get lucky. Or, better still, don't be unlucky. After the remaining players are in the money, the push frenzy starts again in earnest. Short stacks, happy to get paid, will push with any two. Big stacks will call with much the same. You can't sit these hands out. You still need to accumulate. But if you call a push with AK and you see you're up against Q7s, you're not much of a favorite. Winning these hands is less about skill (though you still need to have an idea of what you're up against. For example, if someone with an M Factor--chip stack/blinds+one orbit of antes--of 4 or less limps in, or min. raises, he likely has a big pair and is hoping to double up, rather than just get the blinds and antes) than it is about good old fashioned luck. We've concentrated on playing solid poker, but the naked fact is that you need to get lucky to win a tournament. The variance is higher, in that you can't re-buy after you go broke, like in a cash game. Continue to make good decisions, and hope Mistress Variance is on your side.


The Final Table

1. Relax. Congratulations you magnificent bastard. It is not easy to navigate a low buy-in tournament online and you've made it to the Promised Land. Don't freeze up. It's still the same game. If I'm sitting in the upper half of the remaining players, I'll tighten up for an orbit or two, see if I can fold to a money jump or two as the short stacks get knocked out. The cash difference between placings is substantial at this point and I'm happy to move up the ladder without risking chips. This further allows you to get a handle on how the table will play, since you've likely not seen about half of them yet.

2. Winnin' Time. As it is with all stages of tournament play, you cannot be afraid to go broke. If you feel you have an edge, push it. With a lot of chips in play, a lot of money at stake, players tend to lose their comfort zone, play differently from the way they did to get this far. Trust yourself. Think less of the payoff than of the hands, one at a time. It can be nerve-wracking making a big raise with a medium pair, but you have to. Remember, as players get knocked out, the table gets short-handed and those cards take on greater value. You'll be playing hands you would not have played all evening and you have to reconcile yourself to that fact.

3. Chat it up. A blogger once remarked to me that I was very "nice" at the virtual table. And it's a conscious effort. Congratulate everyone when the Final Table begins. Try to start a conversation and always compliment a good hand. It's simple psychology. People are less likely to fear you if you humanize yourself. You're no longer an avatar, but an actual person, who is cheerful and fun to be around. Players won't see your incredible poker skills, but rather, a regular guy just hanging out. They are not just more likely to look you up when you're holding, they also may wish you good luck after you bust them, like the guy who once told me he hoped I'd win after I sent him to the rail.

4. Put them to the test. Once you're down to 3- or 4-handed, you want to take over the table. You want to be the aggressor. Many players do not adjust to short-handed play and you'll be able to tell almost right away if they will meekly give up their blinds. You will also know when you're beat, as they will wake up and tell you with their betting. Beware of traps and also be prepared to set some if others assume the role of constant pre-flop raiser. Here's where you have to put all your faith in your instincts and abilities. Block out any distractions (which, really, you should have done already) and concentrate. And Get. It. Done.

* * *

What I've put down here is a philosophy, my philosophy. It's less about mechanics (starting hand requirements, flop textures, when to check-raise) than it is about attitude, mind-set, adaptability. It may not mesh with your preferred style, it may not be a manner with which you feel comfortable. It may be pure, unadulterated garbage. All well and good. I'm no expert player, though I play one on the Internet. But Pauly gave me the gig. And that should count for something.

Good luck,
Joe Speaker


Joe Speaker is a writer, poker player, and blogger from Southern California. He plays in the infamous Murder's Row L.A. home game.

Nominate The Tao of Poker for Best Blog of the Year: Guest Post from Lady Falcon

Editor's Note: As you know, I'm off for the first two weeks of the year working on my Las Vegas book project. In the meantime, my friends will be taking over the Tao of Poker. Here's the fourth of a collection of guest posts from your favorite bloggers. LadyFalcon and I play poker in NYC together. She recently started up a site and she might have one of the best new blogs around. Anyway, she was kind enough to start up a campaign to have my humble poker blog nominated for a 2006 Bloggie, specifically Weblog of the Year... which is the last category. Make sure you read their instructions carefully. Feel free to nominate Tao of Poker for best wrtten or topical blog of the year as well. Thanks again to LadyFalcon!


Nominate The Tao of Poker for Best Blog of the Year

Hey everyone,

Nominations for the 2006 blog awards are due on Tuesday, January 10, 2006. I vote that we all nominate Pauly's blog "Tao of Poker" for Best American Blog, Best Entertainment Blog, Best Writing in a Blog, and Best Weblog of the Year. The site you need to pull up to get the nomination form is 2006.bloggies.com.

Anyway, I ask you all to do two things:

1. Go to 2006.bloggies.com and nominate the shit out of Pauly's Tao of Poker Blog. Do this by Tuesday, Jan. 10...the deadline!!!

2. Leave a message on 2-3 other blogs with this same message. If even a few of us do this, eventually our message will reach a wide enough audience that we can get enough votes to make Pauly a real contender.

Thanks so much,

Lady F.


LadyFalcon is a poker player and blogger from New York City who loves afternoon tea and busting balls.

Happy Birthday BJ!

Today is BJ's birthday. He's one of the hardest working poker reporters in the business. He writes, blogs, and takes photos for Card Player. They need to give him a raise. He's in the Bahamas for his birthday covering the Poker Stars event. Lucky dog. Have a great birthday, BJ.


Hanging with Isabelle Mercier during WPT Ladies Night III


WPT hostess Courtney Friel at the Bellagio


At the Bellagio, on the set of the WPT

A Day in the Life: A Guest Post from BigMike

Editor's Note: As you know, I'm off for the first two weeks of the year working on my Las Vegas book project. In the meantime, my friends will be taking over the Tao of Poker. Here's the third of a collection of guest posts from your favorite bloggers. BigMike is the one guy I know that should have a blog. (Well he has a blog, but has written anything on it yet!) He's one of the most intelligent people that I know and has a wealth of stories. I'm honored that he chose to share some personal things with us today. As AlCantHang wrote me, "This is as close as anyone is going to get inside of Bigmike." Agreed. Thanks again, BigMike!


A Day in the Life

PHOOOOOOOOOOO PHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PHOOOOOOOOOOOO

Is this thing on?

Although I am criminally busy keeping my own blog fresh and current, I have consented to do a guest post for Dr Pauly as he recently did me a solid. Unfortunately, his blog style differs greatly from mine, so I will need to make some adjustments so that his audience is not disappointed. Please excuse my humble scribblings, they are in no way a match for the usual content you have come to expect from the good doctor.

What the hell... let me think a second...

So, I got dealt pocket aces. I was about fourth in chip count at a table of eight. I was dealt AA and went all in. Everyone with more chips than I had called. I was in the blig blind and they thought I was bluffing. I never bluff exept when I do. Besides, it is a goddamned free roll. I hate tournaments. I love leaving when I grow bored when I am seriously up. The side pot calculations were giving me a headache, so since I was all in, I went to the next item on my stack.

Steve called earlier in the day to tell me Michael was sick and they were off to the hospital. I had not had an update in about four hours so I sent him a text to ask the prognosis. I try not to bother them when these things happen, but the initial call concerned me. The text came back quickly: "Will call in 1hr may need surgery."

I winced. This kid is only three, but he already has my heart. I texted back, "Call when you need to talk. Take care of business. Love to you all."

How anal am I to use punctuation in text messages?

The flop came, A77. Nice. Still some side betters. Someone bets, someone raises. Stacks rise and fall. I am confident that my boat will float. More betting...

Item number three on my stack calls. It is my lovely aunt who takes care of my mother and ensures that I do not have too much disposable income. I get up from the table. Who cares, I am all in. The smells of the burning wood coming from the table tell me there is thought occurring at the table. Pot odds. Super Systems. Real odds. Odd reals. Whatever.

I leave the table. I am all in.

My mother has been dying for 20 years. Not in the sense that we are all dying from the moment we emerge from the nice dark humid room into this vale of toil and sin, but literally dying. When I was 15, my mother, in a valium rage (no really she's allergic) ejected me from my boyhood home. I proceeded to move in with my grandparents. Subsequently I went to a Public university after my grandfather informed me that Harvard was out of the question due to financial limitations. When I was nineteen, my mother had her first heart attack and reached out to me for the first time in four years. She was having a quintuple bypass (no balloon angio in those days kids). What the hell, she was still my mother so I went back. I sat in the hospital while she cried about the life she would not live. She was 46. It was finals week. I had not spent four years planning my escape from that one horse town to lose my academic scholarship, so I waited until the surgery was done and drove the 110 miles back to school to take my first test. All during the surgery, I was cramming calculus. Math does not come easy to me. I took the test (passed) and drove back to visit her for 15 minutes. You could only visit for 15 minutes every four hours. Her relatives were there, but they did not speak to me.

I was the one who abandoned her. When I managed to flag down the doctor, he told me: "She has a lot of damage to her heart. I would not expect her to make it more than six months."

Since then, I have relived that particular joy at least four times. Each time, the speech is the same.

"Michael, this is your Aunt Ruthie."

Caller ID escapes these people.

"Hello aunt ruthie, how is my mother?"

"She collapsed again during the dialysis. They have rushed her to the emergency room."

The caller waiting Caller ID starts to beep. I check, and it is the nursing home. Nice of them to call. Voice Mail.

"They don't know why she is passing out. Her kidneys are bad and so is her liver. They are not feeding her and her fluids are restricted. If my diabetes weren't so bad I would tell them but no one cares and they will not talk to me because you are her guardian. Honey did you send that letter? I don't know. I cashed your check, that god for the money. I was in a tight spot. Now remember not to tell anyone about this. It is between you and I. I will pay you back....."

Caller ID again. It is Steve.

"Aunt ruthie, hold on one second."

I click over to Steve.

"How is my namesake?"

"He doesn't need the surgery. His fever broke and he is responding. We may be able to take him home tomorrow. I am getting a hotel room so we can shower."

"Great news! Call me back if you need to talk, my mother collapsed again I am on the other line."

"Alright, talk to you later."

"My love to all of you."

"Same here. I hope your mom is alright."

Click.

"MICHAEL?"

"Yes aunt ruthie I am back. Where is my mother now?"

"The hospital. They had to do CPR on her! I don't know. My water bill is due..."

"How much?"

"No, you have done enough."

"Aunt ruthie, I don't have time. How much?"

"$230."

"Same account number as in August?"

"Oh honey, I have no one. I am so sorry but...."

My aunt ruthie had divorced her first husband a few years before my parents euthanized their relationship. She made it abundantly clear to her children that they could never see their drunken no good father again. Of course, she had not counted on him inheriting nearly $25 million dollars 5 years after the divorce. When that happened, he contacted the now grow children and basically said he had not been in their lives for five years. He knew their mother had turned them against him so he would hold no grudges. Each of them could be lifted from their blue collar obscure lives and share in his riches. He would give them houses, get them educated, give them jobs. Their ship had arrived. One condition: NO CONTACT WITH THEIR BELOVED MOTHER. As one of them explained to me in a chance meeting, he said he wished he was above that sort of thing, but as she had continually pointed out, he was NOT. To this day, only her daughter with Downs still talks to her.

She has 7 grandchildren she has never seen. Karma is a bitch especially when there is a bitter assistant lending a hand.

"....you are the only help I get."

God bless wifi. I had already paid the bill.

"Aunt ruthie, I will call the hospital and get an update in a little bit. I will let you know what is going on."

"I love you kid."

"I love you too."

(What the hell? The truth is like atomic technology. Best used in a controlled fashion.

"Call me when you find something out kid. I love you".

The turn is a 2. Nice. I wish the table were full of bloggers playing a hammer boat. More all ins, more pot splitting. Big chip is thinking about it. What the hell is there to think about? It is a free roll for god's sake. My phone vibrates again. It is my realtor Patsy. I love that name. Any AbFab fans in the hizz-ouse? I walk away from the table.

"Patsy, what is the word. I have not heard from Dennis. Is my grandparents house cleaned out yet?"

My grandmother died in June. My grandfather died two years ago. I loved my grandfather more than anyone on earth. The old woman, as I affectionately called my NaNa, was an acquired taste. Fortunately, I had acquired it. I was surprised she made it as long as she did. They had been together over sixty years, and when someone you are that attached to, for better or worse dies, usually the other person follows soon after.

"Well Michael, Dennis has had some issues. It will be one more week."

"Patsy! Sweetie! I need to sell that house! I need cash. I have had to cut back on my drinking and gambling and was recently forced to switch to domestic women. This is a cash crisis. Embezzlement only goes so far Pats. Price the thing to move."

Patsy is blissfully free of irony.

"But what should I set as a price?"

"Patsy sweetie, you are the expert. Whatever you say sweetie darling, I just want cash."

Patsy has never seen AbFab either. (Really, no AbFab fans?) She never balks when I call her sweetie darling.

"But what price. Do you remember the numbers I gave you Michael?"

"Patsy, I don't remember my inseam."

The next all in is called. I have the nuts, who cares?

"Patsy, take the comparative market valuation and add 10%. It is a depressed area. If no bites in one month, shave the price 10% and then list it as reduced. If still no bites, reduce another 10% and list it as criminally reduced, priced to sell. If you need cash on the back end, no problem, just move the shit! I gotta go, the river is rising."

"Okay Michael, what about the other property?"

"One nightmare link in the chain at a time, sweetie. Freedom is not free. Oh the river..."

The river is a 2. Hmmm. Two pair on the board and my ace. Hmmm. Can the gods be so cruel. Poker baby! Another all in call! You must be joking! My phone is buzzing again. UNKNOWN. The bane of all Caller ID worshippers. Another pregnant pause while the lone chip possessor considers it. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! FREEROLL! Someone act. I answer the phone. No one even notices at this point. I have not had any movement since the all in, so why would they care.

Unknown is usually work. I hate work. Why wasn't I born rich instead of good lucking. (Rich, well hung, charming, orphaned, brilliant...)

"Hello?"

"Hey Mike, it's Dunce from work (name fictionalized to protect the stupid). This job turnover you put in that said to call you with any questions. I have a question. What is the problem. We just had a shift change and I don't really understand what is going on with this customer..."

Call waiting / Caller ID. The hospital where my mother is. Got to take this one.

"Hold on a second, I have another call."

CLICK.

"Michael, this is Dr. Cameron (I fucking wish! Any House fans in the crowd? Tuesdays 9PM. TIVO it. Brilliant.) Your mother is in bad shape. They over dialysized her due to fluid build up around the heart. It did not help. She is on borrowed time. I am doing my best to stablize her but..."

"I want to talk to her." "Well, I will get the nurses to transfer the call into CICU but you should know that..."

"The last time I talked to her, he legs were itching and in pain. What are you doing about the symptoms? I know she is dying, she has been dying for 20 years, but what are you doing to make her comfortable?"

"Listen YOU, I have tried every God Damned anti itching med there is. She breaks my heart. You got a year out of her she would not have had without dialysis. You need to..."

"Doc, I like you. I don't need to do anything. Put her on a morphine drip if you have to."

"Her heart won't take that. She only has 20% usage of her heart at this point. Morphine might do her in. I will be consulting with her nephrologist, but her liver is failing too. That is what is causing her itching. I am sorry."

"Doc, I understand. It has been 20 years of this. Do you have any idea how long?"

"It's in God's hands now. Not reall-y soon, but not really long either."

Fan-bloody-tastic. That is nice and precise.

"Thanks for the call Doc, let me talk to my mother."

A few clicks later, and she answers. "Hello honey."

"Hello mother, how are you?"

"I want a beer and they won't give me one. Aunt ruthie brought me a hot dog with no sauerkraut. She brought me a cheese log too, but I wanted the sauerkraut. I hate when she tries to keep things from me. They won't give me any broth in my soup because of dialysis. I had a cheese sandwich today. I like the satellite you got me, I get the hallmark channel. They had a movie on today about..."

The bet is called. My God what a mish-mash of all ins. I have no clue who has what. It is time to flip the cards.

Aces over 7's. Read them and weep suckers. I have the nuts! Aces over sevens! What do the peasants have?

WOW! Sevens over twos! Amazing! Two boats! Sadly, mine beats his. Aces and Sevens! Wow two pair! Sevens and Deuces!

Nice hand, thanks for playing. What the hell were you doing in this hand? And finally, you guessed it, (or did you)

THEMS QUAD DEUCES BITCHES!!! Fortunately the voice was in my head.

"And so I want to go back to the nursing home. I don't like the TV here. The food is no good either. Honey, are you at work? I hate to bother you, but can you talk to the doctor. I really need something for the itching. And I am so thirsty and they will only..."

"Mother, you have to control your fluid intake. Your kidneys can't handle any more."

"I know, but that beer we had when you took me to dinner was so good. You know I haven't had a beer in a long time and..."

"Mother, when I get up there we will have lobster and beer. Screw the doctor! Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death. Right?"

"Honey, come up soon. They listen to you. I don't want to say anything, I don't want to get them mad at me. I like the girls at the home and at dialysis. I don't want to say anything. Please come home this weekend."

"Of course, I will bring lobster and beer. I will come on Sunday. You will be back in the nursing home home by then."

"Okay honey, well I will leave you go. Thanks for calling."

"Love you Mother."

"I love you too honey. Don't forget the butter with the lobster because lobster without butter is no good."

"Yes, mother."

CLICK! Work! I almost forgot! (You did too, right?) A brief explanation of what I CLEARLY spelled out in the Queens English and I am off with work. I hate when I have to explain my writing! Dear reader, am I really that unclear? Work was dispatched with authority and the necessary reassurance. Gently dispatch I might add. I too was once new.

Oh shit! A bad beat story. Please forgive me Felicia. I read her blogging rules and she said no one wants to hear a bad beat story. Oh well, what's done is done. By the way, I love Felicia and you should too. If you don't, I have no explanation. Felicia is in my top ten. Felicia, Maudie, Pauly, G-Vegas anyone, Alcanthang, Evacanthang...

I hope that doesn't start a controversy, but it no doubt will. Fuck y'all if you can't take a joke. Life is laugh or cry the way I see it. (Have any of you seen the Fantasticks? A great play. There is one scene where the female protagonist is dancing and she sees suffering all around her and her dancing partner says "MASK!" She protests, but finally puts on her mask and then laughs at the suffering. No? Sorry, my references are much too obscure I am told). But seriously, quad twos! Who the hell would hold a pair of twos like that? I mean look at the flop! Live poker is rigged, like Life!

Bonus code LOVEME!

Dr. Pauly, I did what I could.

BigMike OUT! Peace!


BigMike is AlCantHang's wheelman and personal bodyguard. Some day he'll not only start posting to his blog, he'll actually give it a title.

Fundamental Need To Be Correct: Guest Post from BG

Editor's Note: As you know, I'm off the next two weeks working on my Las Vegas book project. In the meantime, my friends will be taking over the Tao of Poker. Here's the second of a collection of guest posts from your favorite bloggers. If you don't know, BG had been sick the past few weeks. He's finally out of the hospital and I'm honored that he's sharing a post with us today, which includes both random thoughts and thoroughbred selections. Thanks a lot BG!


Fundamental Need To Be Correct

I want to play in the abstract. I want to operate in the hypothetical, weigh my own options and watch the actualities play out well after I've ran the possibilities in my head.

Maybe it's because I'm wired this way. Favorite class in college? Econ. Loved understanding the baseline philosophies behind the motivations of the markets, really helped me make more sense of everything around me. I'm a theory guy, watching it all shake out in practice is fine and all, but I don't need to see the wheels turning to know why the combustion engine should work.

Maybe it's because I'm a control-freak completist whose Maslow chart would include the extra entry of "Fundamental Need To Be Correct." I talk in circles, even in casual conversation, in an attempt to close every loophole on the way to making my point. I need to see the possibilities and probabilities in my own head before I can help you see the light. It's compulsive and annoying, but here we are.

Or maybe I want to play in the hypothetical because reality has just flat-out sucked lately.

On New Year's Eve I was taken to the emergency room with a persistent fever and abdominal cramps, and it took three nights hooked to an IV bag to rehydrate me adequately enough for release.

By the way, would it surprise you to know this would probably rank as a solid #2 on my Worst New Year's Eve Ever List? In June of 2001 I discovered my then-wife was "falling in love" with some British dude she met on the Internet. In early December of that year she decided she needed to get away for a little while to "find herself" so we could be better together. On December 29th, 2001 she hopped a plane to - wait for it - England to do just that. So let's give the death knell of 2001 the top slot on the Worst Ever List, and assume that despite being stuck in a hospital with tubes running into me, at least I was comfortable and not mentally working through the logistics of packing all my shit and leaving my best friend and wife before she got back to town.

Anyway, far be it from me to tell you this New Year's didn't suck, because it did. The guy in the next room watched his TV until five or six in the morning at an ungodly volume, they keep the "climate-controlled" rooms there somewhere just cooler than "Amazonian" thereby ensuring an entire slumber full of flop sweats, and the first thing I did in this new year was trip over my IV tube, pulling it half out of my arm and creating a temporary "fluid sac" under my skin that took a couple of hours to naturally ooze drain.

Although my gracious host here has been fond of wishing me well for my "ass problems," it's really the part of the colon that connects the large and small intestines. But it's still my colon, and I'll let the Doc stick with his initial diagnosis. So anyway, I'm currently on this plan that's euphemistically titled The Low Residue Diet. Basically, if it's soft and not chock-full of complex fibers, I can brew a small and easy dump that won't strain my already-bulging colon. This diet also precludes me from the greasy food I so love and adore too. Since I'm due to have surgery to remove the offending piece of my bowels in about twelve weeks, if you factor in the recovery time I'm unlikely to so much as taste a french fry before July.

Considering the alternative, which might include extreme discomfort, emergency surgery and a colostomy bag, I'll go ahead and skip the Double Whopper combo meal for the time being.

I don't get to drink away the pain either. Not until next week, after the antibiotics have been emptied from their respective bottles.

So what does this have to do with poker? Well, not a whole hell of a lot, other than I'm in a rut where playing the game has been really irritating lately. I'm not just talking about the same old bad beats, although they're definitely obnoxious. It's not the know-it-all jerkoffs who insist on berating your play with suited connectors either, despite how frustrated I get listening to that bullshit too.

It's the math and mechanics that are getting to me these days. The here-and-now of the decision making necessary to play the game "correctly." I've been playing too much limit poker, and the constant re-evaluation of the math and the pot odds (combined, of course, with a little bit of a losing streak - everything is more palatable with a bulging bankroll) has got me frustrated. I know in my heart that poker is a game of percentages, and I normally live and love every check, call and raise.

It's just another area of my life where I'm running bad right now, and I'm not sure I have the patience for the reality of all this. So today, we're gravitating in another direction - horses. With the horses, I can play in the hypotheticals, do my handicapping, find my favorites and run these races in my head prior to putting my money down wherever I can find value.

Wait, so I'm not just betting on the favorite? Or the horse I think has the best chance of winning? You can't, actually. The whole concept of value is finding your price on a betting option, and only playing it if the odds you're being offered exceed the odds you're giving the horse to win. Every horse has some chance of winning, the game here is to find the bet(s) on the board that give you the most for your money. I love this game because it gives me the chance with every race to prove I'm the smartest guy in the room when the race unfolds like I thought it would. I can put the pieces together in the abstract and have my theories confirmed in the minute-plus from post to wire.

So, in an effort to satisfy my gambling Jones, I'll be playing today's card at Tampa Bay Downs. I've broken down the races, and here's some plays I can toss your way, if you're interested in coming along for the ride...

• Race 1 - #4 Bronx Cheer stepped up off an October win, ran second to a much classier horse than any of these today last out and hung a solid speed rating. I'd play at 2/1 or better.


• Race 2 - With no real pressure to the pace, #2 Preceptor should get out to the front. Good signs with the step up in class and I like the bullet workout on 12/23. Probably ready for this spot. Play at 5/2 or better. #8 Bluff can close when asked, but should need a hotter pace which looks unlikely. I do like this horse at 5/1 or better (meaning higher), but I don't think that'll happen.


• Race 5 - #1 Kisses For Kara shows solid closing ability, and despite near-paceless look to this race should come in for a share. I like that the trainer is dialing down the distance for her a little bit, makes sense for this one. Play at 7/2 or better. I like #8 Kickn Chickn a bit here too, despite some oddly erratic choices by the trainer recently. I like Bernal onboard and the second off layoff angle for some improvement, and that this horse may go up and challenge for the lead early. Good play at 9/2 or better.


• Race 6 - Plenty to like here in a competitive AOC race. #1 Sacred Feather has raced at Churchill, which I like, and lost her last out to an unpressured pacesetter who ran away with the race - but hung a career-best 81 Beyer in the place at this track/class/distance. Solid workouts, steady improvement, and should love the pace scenario without a speedster up front. Tough to like a short price on this one with a lot of competition, but I'd play at 5/2 or better. #3 Ashley and I has the second off layoff angle (which I love) and could bounce a Beyer spike to the mid 70s, which would be competitive here. 5/1 or better? #4 A Different Tune gets hot jockey Lezcano onboard, the second off angle and hung a career-best Beyer last out. Great workouts in late Nov/early Dec and is really ready to strike here. Play this one at 7/2 or better for sure. #6 Buck Spender had a huge workout on 12/30, which should sharpen her speed for this sprint. Wouldn't surprise if she wakes up and grabs the lead and maybe even goes wire-to-wire. That being said, she laid a big egg last time coming off a good workout. 6/1 or better only. And #9 Cacchinated could be a longshot above 10/1 worth watching.


• Race 7 - #6 Montecastillo needs only a marginally average performance in this spot. Great play at or around 2/1. #7 On The Fan, should those odds float up towards 10/1, could be worth looking at. Steer clear of #8 Tactical De Naskra, totally overrated in this spot.


• Race 8 - #7 Davids Expectation needs only an average Beyer to win here, and I expect that will happen. Gets that second off layoff angle I dig, and has a history of running in stiffer competition than this. Like this one at 6/5 or better. #1 Great Plains has great recent Beyers, and I really dig that the trainer reclaimed this horse one race after another trainer claimed him, even paying a $4K premium to do so. This is a little bit of an ambitious class jump, but he could score. 9/2 or better.


• Race 9 - I'm really torn on #7 Chispazo. I love the unpressured pace he's likely to set, and he's on his second off which could mean a nice performance spike. Has a good history running this distance, and his best will be plenty. I think he might end up close to 5/1 on the board due to the scary-ass trainer/jockey connection, which might be the worst connection on today's card. I'd play him at 5/1. #2 Andiamo is interesting and due for a Beyer spike. He was running over his head in class, but this should now be the right spot and the right pace scenario for this horse. Great workouts lately, but he'll probably be overbet. Like him at 7/2 or better. #1 County Trial has always shown a Beyer spike in his second off layoff, which is where he is coming in today. He's a stalker and will enjoy not having to chase a rabbit out front too. He's only ran this distance on the turf before, which I don't like much, but seems capable of striking in this spot too. 3/1 on the Morning Line, I'd play at 9/2 or better.

Good luck to me today, let's hope I'm more right than wrong.


BG is a writer and blogger from Western Michigan. Be sure to stop by his blog Random Thoughts and Thoroughbred Selections.

A Bad Beat Story: A Guest Post from Daddy

Editor's Note: As you know, I'm off the next two weeks working on my Las Vegas book project. In the meantime, my friends will be taking over the Tao of Poker. Here's the first of many guest posts from your favorite bloggers. As you know, Daddy pulled his blog, so it's a sincere honor that he decided to share his words with my audience. Thanks a lot Daddy!


A Bad Beat Story

"Happy New Year, man. Sorry I didn't stick around."

"Bro, no shit. We were all wondering where you went. I'm assuming you had a productive night with whatever her name was, eh?"

"Shit. Worst New Year's ever. Easily."

"Yikes, man. Didn't land any of that ass then, I take it?"

"Nah, I got the ass."

"Well, fuck. What are you bitching about? My wife passed out at midnight, and wouldn't budge."

"Well, her name was Lori, and I think she's from Brookville. I do know she ate Mexican food with her cousin before the party, and that ended up being the demise to my New Year's."

"What did she have?"

"How the fuck am I supposed to know? Probably enchiladas. That's not the point though. All I know is whatever it was it fucked her up pretty good."

"Did she puke everywhere?"

"Not that I know of. She was just fine at the bar when we left you guys. Her cousin lives in town, and she got the keys to her place. She drove us over and as soon as we got there she had a bottle of wine cracked, and put some Usher on the stereo."

"Usher?"

"I think. That's who she said it was anyway. That's not the point though. She was all over me, dude. I had zero doubts that I was gonna rail that ass."

"Is Usher the name of the band, or just the guy?"

"Fuck if I know. I couldn't even hear the shit by the time we made it into her cousin's bedroom. We were practically naked by the time we fell onto the bed. This girl was apeshit crazy too. Kept asking me to call her names and shit. I had her doggied for about fifteen minutes or so, and was pretty close to losing my shit when she told me to roll over so she could ride me."

"That rules, bro."

"Well, she starts to ride me, and it's hot as fuck in this room, so we're both sweating like Patrick Ewing in a sauna, when all of a sudden she just stops. I ask her if she's okay, and she looks at me and says, 'I don't feel so good.'

"Had you blown yet?"

"Fuck no. I was damn close, but that's not the point. She cropdusted me, dude."

"Cropdusted?"

"Yeah, she farted and sprayed a mist all over my balls. As soon as she'd realized what she'd done, she started crying and ran into the bathroom. I could hear her crying, but just barely over the sounds that were coming out of her ass."

"Let me get this straight. She shit on your balls? That's a bad beat, dude."

"Yes. It was basically a wet misty fart, but still not cool, bro. And it stunk too. Real fuckin' bad. So, the way I saw it, I only had one thing left to do."

"Did you whip that bitch's ass?"

"Nah, man. I finished the job she couldn't. I sat on the side of the bed and rubbed that fucker out. I was so pissed off I just let it fly too. Got it all over the curtains. The best part though was wiping off my hog on her cousin's teddy bear. I wiped my shitsoaked bag off on that little bear too."

"Man, it sounds like that fucking bear got the worst of it."

"Yeah, I got the fuck outta there quickly. She was still crying and shitting when I left. I didn't even say good-bye."

"Sweet. Yeah, fuck her anyway. Who does she think she is shitting on your sack?"

"I had to walk five blocks just to catch a cab. When I finally got back to my place I could still smell her enchiladas on my balls."

"That's sick, bro."

"Yeah, I took a long shower. My guess is that I ushered in the New Year scrubbing my grundle with a test tube brush and a gallon of bleach."

"Is Usher considered rap or R&B?"

"Fuck if I know, that's not the point. The point is, this was the worst New Year's ever. I've only told you half the story. As soon as I got out of the shower, I fired up PokerStars. I wanted to sit at a Deep Stacks tourney, but they didn't have any running. After the enchilada ordeal, it's safe to say I was on mega-tilt, so I did what everyone else would've done it that situation."

"Razz?"

"Nah. I took my entire bankroll to a no limit table. I only had about four grand left after I bought Candice the engagement ring, but I wanted action."

"Well, since you've already said it was the worst night ever, I'm assuming you lost your roll?"

"First fucking hand, and I'm dealt 'Jimmy Walker'."

"What's 'Jimmy Walker'?"

"Jack of clubs, Jack of spades. If it holds up you have to type 'DYNOMITE!!' into the chat box."

"Sweet, bro. That's hilarious."

"Anyway, I raise it up 3 big blinds from early position and there's one caller. The flop comes: Jack of hearts, Seven of spades, Three of clubs."

"No way you lost here, man. Did he hit quads?"

"I check, obviously. He bets the pot. I ponder for a bit, and I raised. I ask him 'Did you hit your Jacks?' He types in the chatbox, 'Yes,' and pushes his entire stack which has me covered. I call, obviously, and he shows the Ten of clubs, and the 4 of clubs."

"Fucking sick! Dead to runner runner clubs, and hit?"

"Nah, he turned the eight, and fifth brought the nine. Runner-runner-double-gut down to the felt. I was devastated, bro."

"No shit. Too bad you didn't have a teddy bear."

*****


Last 5 Books I Saw Hilljacks Reading at Subway...
1. The Dale Earnhardt Story by Kevin Mayne
2. Fisting for Dummies by Mitch Cumstein
3. The Holy Bible
4. No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem! by Jeff Foxworthy
5. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Fisting by Stanley Dalrymple

Happy New Year, Doc.
Hope all is kind,
Daddy

Happy New Year

"He not busy being born is busy dying." - Bob Dylan

2006 is upon us. My goals are simple... to play better poker and improve my skills as a writer. I want to keep my bankroll above five figures by the end of the year and play in another WSOP event. My focus is going to be on Limit & NL cash games both live and online and improving my PLO game. I shall return to Las Vegas to cover the 2006 WSOP along with covering other tournaments along the way. I'm going to do a lot more personal traveling yet still do a fair amount of freelance writing.

My first task of this year is to finish my Las Vegas book. I'm taking several days off to write. I'll return soon. In the meantime, I hope that some of my fellow bloggers will step in and do a few guest posts here, including Daddy.

I hope you come back. Because it's going to be another wild year at the Tao of Poker, so much so that if you blink, you just might miss something.

*****

Congrats to Armen and his team Speed & Weed who won the 5th Annual Pauly's Pub Football Pool. The top 4 teams made the money. Coach's team Coach's Picks tied for second with Jerry's team Well T'anks for Nuthin'. Derek's team Chico's Bail Bonds finished in fourth. Thanks to everyone who played!